L1 – Prejudice: How It Looks and Sounds

Prejudice: How It Looks and Sounds

Your children pick up subtle cues about the world from everything you say and do. How do your biases affect them?

What Is Prejudice?

Every day in cities and suburbs, in small towns and in the countryside, in classrooms, on playgrounds, and in the streets, children experience prejudice. It may look and sound different from place to place, and it manifests itself differently in toddlers and in teens, but it always feels the same when on the receiving end of such treatment — bad. The words and actions of prejudice range from very subtle to extremely violent.

Prejudice can take many forms, including, but not limited to:

• Name-calling
• Telling jokes that stereotype or put others down
• Using racial or other hateful epithets
• Excluding
• Asking inappropriate questions
• Excessive teasing
• Taunting and bullying
• Physically hurting another person

Most people don’t think of themselves as prejudiced, so they don’t acknowledge their biases. They often let themselves off the hook with a shrug and the statement, “That’s just the way I think,” as if that justified everything.

Following are some other telltale statements that indicate self-justification. In each of these instances, the speaker is trying to remove the blame from him or herself, or from another person who did or said something that was deemed offensive.

• “You’re taking this too seriously.”
• “You’re taking this the wrong way.”
• “You’re taking this too personally.”
• “It was only a joke.”
• “He’s really a great guy but sometimes…” (justifying someone else’s actions)
• “I didn’t mean it that way.”
• “You always blow everything out of proportion.”

Stemming the Tide

There are many reasons why it is important to recognize even the subtlest forms of prejudice. Left unchecked, prejudice can result in the worst sort of bigotry and violence. This country has a history of racially motivated lynchings. Today, bigotry has found new expression in racially motivated hate-crimes.

While name-calling doesn’t pave a direct road to hate crimes, it does create a climate where bias seems more acceptable and has a greater opportunity to be distilled into hatred and violence. One way to see prejudicial behavior is as a pyramid with a large base at the bottom showing the most common forms of bias leading to the most extreme forms of hate.

Pyramid of Hate

Raising Thoughtful Kids

There are several positive steps we need to take to help our kids avoid falling into mindless stereotyping:

• We must help our children in their own self-definition in answering the questions, “Who — and what — am I?”
• We must help our children feel proud of themselves without feeling superior.
• We must help our children see that all people are unique; that we can never draw general conclusions about people based on physical characteristics or groups.

Where Prejudice Starts

All children notice differences. An infant hearing a new voice looks in the direction it came from. An 18-month-old child knows that the toy you give her when she cries is not the same one she just dropped and wants back. A toddler knows that the green cup, not the blue cup, is “mine.” A four-year-old knows that peanut butter, which he loves, is not tuna fish.

As we grow, we learn to classify the differences in everything we perceive: sounds, colors, shapes, and sizes. So children naturally notice that people come in many different shapes, sizes, and colors. Noticing differences is biological. Forming attitudes about those differences is social. The good news is that we can shape how our children value the differences they perceive.

The following are some developmental stages of children regarding noticing differences:

Two-Year-Olds

“Why can’t he walk?” (pointing to a wheelchair user)

Even very young children notice differences. Two-year-old children become increasingly aware of the physical aspects of identity. The awareness of gender usually comes first, followed by a curiosity about skin color, hair color and texture, eye color and shape, as well as other physical characteristics.

Awareness of disabilities tends to come later than awareness of gender and race; however, some two-year-olds may begin noticing more obvious physical disabilities, such as someone using a wheelchair.

Children between the ages of two and three may begin to be aware of the cultural aspects of gender, noticing that girls play with dolls more frequently, while boys seem to play with trucks more often.

Children at this age may also be aware of ethnic identity, noticing such things as other children eating cultural foods, celebrating different holidays, or not celebrating, or recognizing, holidays or birthdays at all.

Pre-Prejudice

Toddlers may show signs of pre-prejudice (the ideas and feelings in very young children that may later develop into “real” prejudices when reinforced by biases that exist in society). Pre-prejudice is often manifested by discomfort, fear, or rejection of differences.

If your child seems reluctant to shake hands with or touch another person whose skin color is different from his or her own, talk about it. Pay attention to your children’s open and subtle expressions of fear when faced with new people or situations.

On the other hand, children at this age may take their first steps toward learning to appreciate people who are physically and culturally different from themselves if positive experiences are part of their regular home, school, and after-school environments. Parents can do a lot to promote and reinforce this learning in their children.

Strategies to Help Toddlers Appreciate Difference:

• Make your children’s environment as diverse as possible in terms of the people, music, toys, books, and life experiences to which they are exposed
• Help your children develop a broad comfort zone regarding all kinds of differences starting with taste, sight, hearing, and all of their other senses
• Answer your toddlers’ “why” questions as frequently and completely as you can; all of your responses help to shape your children’s attitudes about differences

Increasing Awareness

Three- and Four-Year-Olds

“I’m not white; I’m pink!”

Three-and four-year-olds begin to expand their observations of differences; they seek more information about those differences than they did when they were two years old. They are increasingly aware of their own and others’ physical differences, and constructing their identity becomes a central task in their lives. They want to know how they got their skin, hair, and eye color, and they may question why racial group “color” names are different from the actual colors.

Preschoolers are curious about color variations within their families, and they may question why people with very different skin color may be considered part of the same group. They begin to wonder if skin, hair, and eye color will remain constant throughout their lives as they begin to recognize that getting older brings physical changes.

Kids this age need to hear the adults in their lives provide answers to their questions without hesitation, and with developmentally appropriate information. When a child asks: “Is Pamela’s skin brown because she’s dirty?” that child needs to hear that brown is Pamela’s skin color, and it is not brown because it’s dirty. She also needs to hear that people’s skin comes in all different colors; that people are born with their skin color, and that Pamela’s skin is brown like her parent’s skin color.

School Days

As children get older their awareness about differences expands. By the time children are ready for school they have already learned many concrete things about human differences.

Five-Year-Olds

“Are we Mormon, or human?”

By age five, most children have begun to develop a group ethnic identity, as well as an individual identity. Five-year-olds start exploring differences and similarities between and within racial and ethnic groups. They can begin to understand scientific explanations for differences in skin color, hair texture, and eye shape, and they begin to understand the concepts of family traditions and celebrations.

Children at this age sometimes repeat words they don’t understand; especially if they think repeating these words will get a reaction. Handle this situation with directness, but without making the child feel that he or she has committed a major offense. Something like, “We don’t use those words because name-calling hurts people’s feelings, and those words don’t help solve problems.”

Six- to Eight-Year-Olds

“Sammy and I don’t have a Christmas tree because we’re Jewish.”

Six- to eight-year-olds begin to recognize others who are like them in terms of group membership, and they begin to realize that their ethnicity is not changeable. They begin to be aware of the history and attitudes for and against racial, religious, and cultural groups. Such new knowledge — reinforced, in part, by the media — may lead to a child’s forming personal prejudices that can become an integral part of that child’s attitudes and behaviors. Children at this age are highly influenced by the ways in which other people in their lives interact and resolve conflicts. They may begin to take pride in their own cultural identities, and they may also begin to understand the experiences of other people.

Positive Steps for Parents

Some of the things that parents can provide for children at this age are knowledge and comfort to negotiate the many differences they will encounter when they go to school. Parents can also instill pride about the ways in which kids will be perceived as “different” by others. For many children, the start of formal school will coincide with their first exposure to prejudice. Before school starts, set aside time to have a conversation with your child about differences. Start by making sure your child has the correct vocabulary for the discussion.

Definitions and Explanations for Six- to Eight-Year-Olds

• Stereotype (an idea)
  Example: All four-year-olds are crybabies.
  Sometimes we look at groups of people and think they are all the same in one way or another. We think that everyone in the group is the same as everyone else. We need to remember that each person is an individual.
• Prejudice (a feeling)
  Example: I hate four-year-olds.
  Sometimes we feel and think about people and things in an unfair way. We often have these thoughts and feelings because we are unfamiliar with the people or things we have negative feelings about. Everyone thinks and feels this way sometimes; it means we have much more to learn about people and things.
• Discrimination (an action)
  Example: We don’t play with the four-year-olds.
  There are some times when we treat another person or group of people unfairly, and this can hurt people’s feelings. Sometimes we act this way because of a stereotype or prejudice. Sometimes we can be hurtful and not know it. Either way we have to learn not to be hurtful.
• Scapegoating (an action)
  Example: Let’s blame the mess in the playroom on the four-year-olds because we don’t want to get into trouble.
  Sometimes we blame others for things that are not actually their fault. We may do this because we have a stereotype or prejudice about them.

Getting Older

Nine- to 12-Year-Olds

“She called him a bad name when they were playing at the park, and that’s not fair!”

Although many 9- to 12-year-olds may still be concrete thinkers primarily focused on their own experiences, others are capable of more abstract thinking.

Children of this age may become aware of the attitudes and behaviors of people in positions of power and authority in their schools, places of worship, and in their homes. They may also begin to develop an awareness and understanding of the various perspectives that have surrounded historical events.

Nine- to 12-year-olds may understand personal and family struggles against bias and are often willing to discuss differences. They become increasingly aware of the valuing and de-valuing of certain cultures and races by their families, peers, the media, and the larger community. They also begin to notice the political, economic, and educational advantages and disadvantages of some groups, and may begin to discuss what they view as unfairness.

At this age, most kids can understand racial and cultural stereotypes, and can speak from dominant and non-dominant perspectives. They typically know and can explain the strengths and positive aspects of various cultures, and can also discuss how children believing a negative view about themselves may affect their self-confidence.

Questioning Everything

Preteens are testing out what they perceive to be more adult behaviors as they formulate the basic moral codes that will take them into adulthood. They question their own emerging values against the values of the adults around them and the communities and institutions to which they belong. Instead of just wanting to copy adult behavior and attitudes, children at this age now want to know the reasons for everything. This can be a scary time for parents. Our children no longer assume that we know everything.

Parenting Strategies

Parents must be ready to explain their own beliefs and values. Children at this age need our assurances to empower them to test their own solutions to the challenges they face. This is a time when parents can help their children make their own decisions. The resulting autonomy enhances children’s self-esteem and self-confidence. Children will feel better about themselves if, instead of answers when they raise questions, they receive:

• Respect for what they are saying
• Perceptive listening that shows understanding
• Reflective responses that give them the opportunity to clarify their meanings

Teens

Adolescents’ behavior is a reflection of the adult society. We are our teens’ teachers; our values become theirs. In fact, although we often do not want to acknowledge it, teenagers act like us, the primary adults in their lives. When we criticize them we are subconsciously criticizing ourselves.

As our children become teen-agers, they tend to stop talking to their parents.

The parental challenges of this age are:

• To maintain your own standards in the face of sometimes harsh criticism
• To be available to your kids without expecting them to be available to you
• To set limits while expecting them to be fought against

If you remember being a teenager, you know that your own teen is unlikely to say yes if you ask, “Want to hear what I think about that?” You also know that your kids are unlikely to ask for your opinion on a lot of things.

That doesn’t release you from the responsibility of sharing your thoughts, expecting appropriate behaviors, or challenging your teenager to clarify his or her values. You should always challenge your teen to learn to value differences and stand up to hate.

The Messages You Grew Up With

What we learned from parents and other influential adults when we were kids plays a central role in our adult attitudes. Because so many of the things we learned were “taught” to us subtly and communicated in unconscious way, we often do not even know where we got some of our ideas. Sometimes we catch ourselves saying something to our children that we don’t even believe, such as a phrase or word of caution we heard as children. For that reason it is crucial for parents to explore the messages about differences learned in childhood honestly and carefully.

Ask yourself the following questions about the messages you received about gender differences when you were growing up. Did you learn, for example, that:

• Girls are compassionate and gentle?
• Boys are strong?
• Girls are more nurturing than boys?
• Boys are more athletic than girls?
• Girls don’t hit?
• Boys don’t cry?

What role, if any, do these and other gender messages play in your life today? For instance, as a father, do you expect your children’s mother to be their primary nurturer? As a mother, do you expect yourself to be more gentle with your children while their father is the disciplinarian? Are you comfortable when Jane seeks out a truck to play with? Are you equally comfortable when Johnny wants his very own Barbie⿢ doll? Do you introduce these options to your children? Do you have a double standard for your sons and daughters when it comes to curfews, household chores, holding a job, dating, etc.?

Now think about how these expectations play out in relation to your children. What messages do you think you have already sent your children about their gender identity?

What messages would you like to send?

Focus on Racial Prejudice

Have we come a long way toward eradicating racism in this country or not? In some ways, yes; in others, not really. How do you feel when your own child comes home crying because he or she was called a __________? What do you say? What do you do when you hear your child insult someone because of the color of his or her skin?

Throughout the history of the United States, and continuing to this day, prejudice and discrimination have disadvantaged certain groups and advantaged others. Group membership categories are not static or simple. All people are members of many groups in addition to their “racial,” ethnic, and cultural group membership, which alters the way they operate in the world. People’s gender, sexual orientation, economic status, education, and physical and mental ability, among other things, have an impact on how they make their way in the world, and on how they are seen and treated by others.

The oldest definition of race is “generation,” or “the act of producing offspring.” It came to mean “the descendants of a common ancestor: a family, tribe, people, or nation belonging to the same stock.” Today most people use the term “race” to classify people who share certain physical characteristics like, for example, skin color, hair texture, and eye shape. Some people incorrectly associate personal qualities and behaviors with specific “racial,” ethnic, or cultural classifications. They believe that African Americans, Asian Americans, Hispanics, Native Americans, Whites, and countless other groups — for example, Italians, Irish, and Jews — share certain immutable characteristics.

To understand how group membership works, think about how you categorize yourself using the following statements as prompts:

• If I had four words to describe myself in terms of my heritage or group membership I would say I was a ________, _________, __________, _______.
• One time in which I was really aware that I was at least one of those four words was: ______________________.
• One thing that makes me feel really proud about being each of those four words is: _______________________.
• One thing that’s difficult or embarrassing about one or each of those four words is: _________________________.

Please read pages 58-59 in Hate Hurts for a more extensive discussion of these questions.

How Diverse Is Your World?

Now that you’re beginning to understand how you categorize yourself, and what those categories mean to the way you live and feel, look at the world in which you live now, and the world you grew up in. These environments — the beliefs they instilled and the beliefs they communicate — inform your children’s view of everything: of how diverse a “normal” environment is; of who should be in it; and of whom you and your family consider your friends colleagues and peers.

Ask yourself the following questions and talk about the answers with your partner or a trusted friend. Think about how your answers affect your children:

How racially diverse or monocultural was/were:

• Your immediate and extended family?
• The neighborhood you grew up in?
• Your elementary school classmates?
• Your elementary school teachers?
• Your high school classmates?
• Your high school teachers?
• Your church or synagogue?
• Your current neighborhood?
• Your current job?
• Your current friends?

Lesson Summary

Now that you’ve begun to understand prejudice and the subtle ways it can affect your children’s worldview, it’s time to start investigating your home environment and the ways you can shape it to help you raise children who will become secure, responsible citizens. In Lesson 2, we’ll look at the messages you should convey at home, examine the ways books and television influence children, and figure out ways to help them navigate the latent and prejudicial messages they see and hear every day.

Assignment: In thinking about your abilities and how you developed them ask yourself:

1. What things do you do best? Make a list of five things you think you do well.
2. How did you discover your abilities? Who encouraged you to be successful and helped you when you failed?
3. How do you challenge your limits as an adult? List three new things you have tried to do or to learn in the past two years.
4. How do you relate to people whose abilities are different from your own? Do you need to be the “best” at something to feel okay about participating?
5. How do you identify and encourage your children’s abilities? Make a list of the words you use to talk to your children when they have not succeeded in accomplishing a task or assignment.